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[Monday
November 24, 08
5:37pm] |
i had a beautiful, beautiful time
the drives and the talks were amazing
the kind of friend i thought i'd never find
i had a beautiful, beautiful time
you have a beautiful, beautiful smile
the way it curls and collapses on your lips
when you touch me i shake like a child
it's late, i'm afraid you might leave
'cause sometimes it seems like you still don't believe me
there's nothing i can do to concentrate
it's so distracting, always thinking of you
so i expose and explain and i meant everything i said
& it's moments like this that repeat and replay in my head
when i'm laying in bed
it's a beautiful, beautiful time
as you laugh and roll onto your stomach
the carpet embraces your design
my heart pounds as i lay by your side
& i find that i am unable to hide all these feelings that flow
in this basement, and in this dim light, you look so beautiful
i'm unsure and unclear with the words that i say
i'm happy when you're near and i wish that forever could stay
just like today
you have beautiful, beautiful eyes
so bright and alive and enchanting
i want to be with you all of the time
it's hopeless but i have to try
p.s thank you conor oberst.
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[Wednesday
November 19, 08
11:14am] |
love life.
keep tellin myself that.
keep lookin down
& remember to love your life.
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[Tuesday
November 11, 08
8:26am] |
at first our fear was the only things that held us back
Look closely amongst all your peers
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, it is fear, it is fear
& all i want for
Your is happines all I wanted to see, is all
I wanted to see, to see thats why i would always tickle you
just so i can see you smile.
Like a new winter's coat
I'm wearing your last embrace
Like a cold quenching glass of water
I hold a clear picture of your face
I'm hearing your last telephone call
Ringing louder and clearer than
The rest
I hear your invitation to see it all
Better written I am smitten no
Protest
Your smile I keep on file
You tickle me pink
I love the way you think
So when I'm feeling low I know
I was your greatest fan
baby boy I'm endlessly proud of you
In such a short time span
You've filled my heart with such joy
& now as we get older , you grow wiser
knowing my mistake
seein you in hurt i just want to take it all away
If you were to stay
I'll stay with you
But do as I say and not as do
Trust me and you'll see
All I want is what is best for you
babby boy your head is full of dreams
If only I could spend one day touring
Your imagination
If I live longer you'll grow faster
At recognising the traps that cause
Me such frustration
If they fall way
I'll stay with you
But do as I say and not as I do
trust me and you'll see
All I want is what is best for you
Your smile I keep on file
You tickle me pink
I love the way you think
So when your feelin low know that you still have me
im still that same girl who told you she loved you
& nothing will ever change from that.
I'm still your greatest fan.
I want to change, to rearrange
What is going on
I need to change,
i can't detach from the past and all of the pain
I need to learn, start from scratch begin again
Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day
Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day
I know I can take nothing back
but im here to show you
i can get you back
that you can trust me again
that ill awlays be there for you
even if you dont think it
i will be
And I'm going to jump I will unburden
I cannot go too deep
I will not run from bad things I've done
They're things I'll never repeat
Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day
Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day
We lose
Yet we want to spare the feelings of those we love
Don't cry
We've all lied
But there is always room for forgiveness not anytime soon
i know but someday.hoepfully i can get you back &
well be somewhat okay.
So don't treat me bad, really im still that same girl.
I know where I belong
And soon you will see we are blessed and complete
There's a place here for you with me
Shine
You're fine
See I will always have a smile for you my love
& always will no matter what im really here for you
i know i did a fucked up thing but i love you more then
i have ever loved anyone befor. like you say
you dont tell your parents only your grandmama cuz she makes you
same here. i know if we just work things out.
if i keep showin you i care that
We will
Be ok and along the way & we'll learn a thing or two
I am a dash and you are a dot
When will you see that your all that you've got
I'm a binary code that you cracked long ago
But to you I'm just a novel that you wish you'd never wrote
I'm greater than x and lesser than y, so why is it
That I still can't catch your eye?
You're a cryptic crossword, a song I've never heard
While I sit here drawing circles I'm afraid of being hurt
You're a difficult equation with a knack for heart evasion
Will you listen to my proof or will you add another page on
It appears to me the graph has come and stolen all the laughs
It appears to me the pen has over analysed again
And if I am a number I'm infinity plus one
And if you are five words you are afraid to be the one
And if you are a number you're infinity plus one
And if I am four words then I am needing all your love
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| kinda |
[Saturday
November 8, 08
9:59am] |
cool. how you talk behind my back.
really. thought we were friends at the time
but then again guess we really were never
"true friends"
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| stupid stupid. cops. |
[Wednesday
October 29, 08
2:19pm] |
Police officer suspended after gun, uniform stolen
1:37 PM Wed, Oct 29, 2008 | Permalink
Mike McKinney Email
LITTLE COMPTON -- A Little Compton officer whose police gear was stolen last week while off duty in Portsmouth has been suspended without pay for 48 "working hours" and put on six months' departmental probation, a police department news release says.
An internal affairs investigation determined the officer, Costantino G. Natale, 32, of Portsmouth, had inadvertantly forgotten his equipment. According to the police report, the items stolen included his department-issued gun, his leather duty belt, a baton, handcuffs, department-issued pepper spray, three magazines containing 12 bullets each, his uniform, badges, bullet-proof vest, backpack, running shoes, and credit card.
The suspension is equivalent to one work week plus eight hours, the news release from Police Chief Sidney Wordell said. The probation is effective as of yesterday.
The weapon and other equipment were stolen in Portsmouth from the pickup truck of Natale, who was off duty at the time last week. The gun and the other items have been recovered, the police have said.
Natale inadvertantly forgot the equipment after preparing to go to work for a last-minute overtime shift, but having to cancel from the shift, he "failed to secure his firearm per department policy," the statement says.
Natale had been on administrative leave, as is standard procedure, pending the conclusion of the internal investigation, which was conducted by Lt. Antone Marion III.
-- projo.com staff writer Michael P. McKinney, with Journal archival reports
Earlier this week, District Court Judge Stephen P. Erickson, sitting in Newport, set bail at $10,000 for an 18-year-old man accused of stealing the officer's weapon and other gear. Kyle Atkinson of 208 Water St. was charged with receiving a stolen firearm, conspiracy to steal a firearm and a felony count of receiving stolen goods. The other charges also are felonies.
Also charged was Kristen Shaw, 18, of Portsmouth. She was accused of obstructing a police officer and conspiracy to commit larceny under $500, both misdemeanors. She was released and will appear in court at a later date.
Two Portsmouth boys also were charged. A 17-year-old was charged with conspiracy to commit larceny (a felony), and conspiracy to commit larceny (a misdemeanor). The other suspect, 15, was charged with larceny of a firearm, conspiracy to commit larceny of a firearm, larceny over $500, and receiving stolen goods under $500.
& now my baby boy is free.
till the 12th of nov.
but. still.
he's out. and i cant stop
with the smiles :)
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| you really think |
[Monday
October 27, 08
9:44pm] |
i would have fell for you gettin
in trouble for bud?
it hurts to hear thats what you want me to know.
not the truth.
come on.
i called your house the day it all happin
and talk to your dad.
he told me straight out.
&hun your all over the news.
in the paper.
everything.
maybe youll be suprised to see me tomrrow.
hopefully you will get bail.
at least thats what im prayin for.
still dont get why i couldnt know the truth.
:-/
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| i just saw your face |
[Monday
October 27, 08
4:53pm] |
& you look so scared.
i hope your learing your lesson tho.
Teen to be arraigned in theft of police officer's gun
7:38 AM Mon, Oct 27, 2008 | Permalink
Maria Armental Email
PORTSMOUTH -- An 18-year-old Portsmouth man is expected to be arraigned this morning in District Court, Newport, on charges of stealing a loaded semiautomatic handgun and police equipment from the pickup truck of an off-duty Little Compton police officer last week.
The gun and the other items have been recovered, the police said. No details were given on how or where they were found.
The Portsmouth police announced Saturday that they had charged Kyle Atkinson, 18, with receiving stolen goods (the gun), conspiracy to commit larceny of a firearm, and receiving stolen goods over $500.
Also charged was Kristen Shaw, 18, also of Portsmouth.
Shaw was charged with obstruction of a police officer in the execution of duty, and conspiracy to commit larceny under $500, both misdemeanors. She was released and will appear in court at a later date.
Two Portsmouth boys also were arrested in the theft. A 17-year-old was charged with conspiracy to commit larceny (felony), and conspiracy to commit larceny (misdemeanor). The other boy, 15 years old, was charged with larceny of a firearm, conspiracy to commit larceny of a firearm, larceny over $500, and receiving stolen goods under $500.
Last week, the Portsmouth police reported that the gun, as well as several other items, including a police baton, handcuffs, ammunition, a badge, two uniforms and a bulletproof vest were stolen from the officer's truck.
The police said the theft occurred on Tuesday at about 5 p.m. The unlocked truck was parked on the officer's driveway. The police have not identified the officer.
The officer was placed on administrative duty following the incident, standard procedure under department rules. The police referred a call this morning on the officer's status to Chief Sidney Wordell, who was not available for comment.
this is whats going on in my life
my bf is in jail. for being STUPID.
:(
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[Sunday
October 26, 08
1:36am] |
i really hope its a lie.
when everyone says you'll be gone for awhile.
really.
really.
hope its a lie.
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| nothing seems right anymore; |
[Saturday
October 25, 08
2:46pm] |
i'm livin a life
i wish
i really never
had to begin with.
everyone i have ever loved.
or care for are slowly being pushed
out of my life or are all ready to far
gone.
i get i have created this for myself.
but i just dont get why it had to be this way.
the drugs. the boys. the girls. the lies.
i just dont get how i got myself here.
again.
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| keep |
[Saturday
October 11, 08
12:41am] |
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tellin myself im happy.
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| keeep |
[Saturday
October 11, 08
12:41am] |
if you came back into my life.
life. would be good.
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| R.I.P |
[Tuesday
October 7, 08
11:11am] |
i miss you times 100
and it sucks to think about you,
as much as i do.
i can say.that i truely dont
remember the sounds of your voice.
i can no longer feel that bear hug i would
with the" i love you on top"
& you were the only one i could talk to about
life.
& now.
i cant.
i know you can hear me.
but it would be better off
if you could acutally see me.
or answer that one question that
family and friends keep asking.
"why did you leave us without saying goodbye,"
love. & rest in peace.
<3
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[Friday
September 26, 08
1:26pm] |
things are getting out of control.
i cant take this anymore.
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[Thursday
August 21, 08
8:16pm] |
Its upsetting to know everyone
I care for, love are slowly
Walking out of my life.
& Its sad to know that
They will never look back.
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[Saturday
August 16, 08
10:54pm] |
lately, i've been feeling kinda down
it's been rainy in my head and in the town
and I think maybe it's because you're not around
I've been lazy, in my bed while the earth goes round and round and round
come home and maybe
we can get a little crazy
on my back porch, let the neighbors watch
i know you'll hate me in a month or three
so let's bet it all away
while our hand's still hot
I wish I had a life to give to everyone I love
I know you'll hate me in a month or three
when I leave you for my new life
but that day's just as far away and inescapable
as the endless, airless night
through which those missiles of light glide on,
softly resigned to bring on endings to good things and bad
so tonight, you'll turn off the lights but I want them all on, let's remember everything
I'm sorry I'm not sad about disappearing
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| Sunday |
[Sunday
August 3, 08
10:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
i think what happen back in may,
really messed with my head. & i think
its just hitting me now.
not that part in may where it was
the one year of his passing
but more the flashbacks of that one night.
the flashbacks of what you would see in a movie.
or hear about in the papers
and i regret not saying anything to anyone.
i think its time that i say something
to someone.
but there is no one. and its just eating at me.
and i don’t feel healthy anymore. i don’t feel like me
i feel like dirt. And that I could never be clean again.
i feel like the image of his half face will
never leave my mind. im scared ill meet him again.
i dont feel safe being alone
like i did before. not even my best friend knows.
not my mom. not a person in the world. beside him and me.
And there was another person who knows but I don’t think he really knows
I told him.. but i dont think he thought i was for real. on what happen.
and i dont think he seems to care.
but its okay & i think its time i should tell the bestie.
maybe she could help. but im scared of reliving the moment again
to tell her. details scare me the more I think about them
i need to tell someone. It would be a lot easier if someone would just ask me
“ what happenthe night of may 15th”. But I know it wont happen, but if it does
happin & you were to ever ask me.
face to face. i would be so thankful you asked.
to get it of my chest. but be ready for a breakdown.
cuz these flashbacks, memories ,details are horrifying to me.
& i hope no one i ever know or anyone should ever go through this.
but i know. people do. and it is still happing and there is not a thing
anyone can really do about it.
sometimes the world is not a safe place
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| thoughts are crappy. |
[Thursday
July 31, 08
10:08pm] |
i dont know if i can wait around for you.
i dont how to tell you either.
im scared to death on the thought of not havin you.
& ive been thinking a lot lately that maybe im too late
you've already moved on. & its shitty to think about it.
i mean as of right now. i can feel my body get beat red and its
gettin hard to breath. i dont like that. that anxiety you give me when you say chill. i mean i would do anythin for you kid.
i love you. & i know you know that.
at least i hope you do. i've told you many times before
i know what i've done to you hasnt been the right thing at all.
and i know our past pretty muchs sucks,
but i really want to have another chance to make it right
and show you that i could be that girl who
will take care of you and be with you no matter what.
like i said to you at the beach. im ready to settle down
and have a real realtionship cuz bein used is not how it should be.
and i dont even know what the point of me typin this is.
cuz the odds of you comin across it is very slim.
i just want to know if i should just let you be
and have you do your thing. or a least whats going on in your mind.
so i know there is something or even if there is nothing at all.
just would like to know. but i dont think you've every told me.
and you've said you see a change in me. but is it a good one or have
i've messed up again and lost you for good. i really hope i didnt.
but in my mind and my heart i think i did. i think we have changed places.
i think my love came a little to late & now i have to
watch you walk outt my life and it sucks.
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[Thursday
July 17, 08
9:15pm] |
Things I don't remember
How the hell'd we get here?
How the hell did we get here?
Things I don't remember
Dressed up alligators.
How;d the hell we get here?
Things I don't remember
There was dressed up alligator.
There was cum on the piano
Disco dancing neighbors
Who were born in mashed potatoes
Caught with our pants down
Hiding in the doghouse
Figured out what we're good for
You're the sailor and I'm the port
Things I don't remember
We undressed for the tailor.
Your skin was lightly salted
Opened up a can of loud mouth malted
High fives in your eyes
Pushed the gas and now I'm kissin' your thighs
Looking for a purpose
How'd the hell'd we get here?
There were things I don't remember
There was messed up alligator
There were endless conversations
No one's mouths were really moving
All them dumpsters overflowing
All my malevolent creation
Things I don't remember
I figured out what I'm good for
Making anything look better
How the hell could I blame her?
Even then I was a savior
There were jokes that couldn't land
Every hand was tipped in subliminal sand
Things I don?t remember
There was undressed for the tailor
There are jokes that couldn't land
There were disco dancing neighbors
They were born in mashed potatoes
There was no town, Motown.
There were things I don't remember
Dressed up alligator
How the hell?d we get here?
How the hell?d we get here?
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| "healing is difficult |
[Monday
June 9, 08
9:38pm] |
Often results in psychosomatic
I admit to enjoying drugs
They get rid of tension, boredom and static
Hate those adverse sideeffects
Forcing the people who love me to scatter
Excuse me for being such a hypocrit
The way I see it really doesn't matter"
im not sure what im doing.
or why im here. beverly mass.
i mean i know why i am here.
i have or had a promble
& "" im fxing it.
but i dont know if i can do this anymore.
i need to have a high
or at least after the phone calls.
ive been going through
today. was a the day i noticed i need to have a constant high
gettin off the phone with my mother.
her tellin me i was going to pretty much
going to fuck up here like i fucked up back in ri
broke my heart.
she has no idea what im going though
but i guess she was right
right?
i mean after the phone call all i wanted to do
was to find something
to do something to give me that high
you know
the high were "everything is going to be okay"
kinda deal.
& in the home im in now.
i cant get that high
but i also cant just call a friend and talk about it either
i have no one here.
not a friend.
not. anything.
& its hard. it really is.
the people im living with are truely amazing for
takin me in
really i cant express the thanks to them
but i cant talk to them
i can only talk so much to my aunt
and her bf about something before i feel like
im just a botherism to them.
i know i shouldnt feel like that but i do.
so here i am writtin in livejournal something
to express how im feelin.
sure no one will read
but im okay with that
the more you keep to yourself the better its is right?
idk.
hope everyone is doing well & all.
love and miss you guys.
sorry for the random ramble.
something i had to do.
just to get the thoughts outta my head before
i result to something else.
hopefully this works out for the best.
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